You Might Be A Nascar Redneck if . . .
...You think the last words to
The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
Redneck Twas The Night Before Christmas
Twas The Night Before Christmas
A Red Neck Christmas
One of the TEN Nights Before Christmas at YoooHaaa.com
Not Jeff Foxworthy
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin' 'cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin' on 10 Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls so they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls, no need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack that hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns they grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns, "now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting and needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.
They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared he could not say a word.
This was just like all of The stories he'd heard.
It was Santy Claus on the roof, darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know they was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, "don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin' and a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Down, Spot! shut up Bullet! quiet, Roscoe and Enos!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!"
"Git down from that porch! git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin' and wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, but left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped he just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh, told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, but Bubba didn't care.
He was busy lookin' at all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, and he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw, make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her could-a hurt just a might."
But Maw was OK, and the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer it looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, he liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas, and the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish a Yee Haw Merry Christmas to you!!!
20 Ways to See if a Redneck has been at your Job
1. The mouse is referred to as a, "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. There is a gunrack mounted on the case.
5. The password is, "bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. The ergonomic chair is replaced with the bucket seat from an old "muscle" car.
8. Windows 98 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
9. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
10. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
11. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
12. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
13. Jeff Foxworthy wave files.
14. The monitor is up on blocks.
15. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
16. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
17. The screen saver is pictures of Ned Beatty, "Dueling Banjos" playing in the background.
18. The six front keys have rotted out.
19. John Deer Pocket Protectors.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. There is a gunrack mounted on the case.
5. The password is, "bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. The ergonomic chair is replaced with the bucket seat from an old "muscle" car.
8. Windows 98 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
9. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
10. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
11. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
12. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
13. Jeff Foxworthy wave files.
14. The monitor is up on blocks.
15. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
16. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
17. The screen saver is pictures of Ned Beatty, "Dueling Banjos" playing in the background.
18. The six front keys have rotted out.
19. John Deer Pocket Protectors.
The Rick Perry Fact File
Fact: Rick Perry's tears cure cancer. Unfortunately, he's never cried.
Rick Perry's cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him.
Rick Perry's organ donation card, also lists his hair.
4 out of 5 doctors recommend Rick Perry. Also, in totally unrelated news, 20% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Rick Perry heads outside and brands his cattle.
Rick Perry has never lost a sock. Ever.
There is no "Control" button on Rick Perry's computer. Rick Perry is always in control.
When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Rick Perry is never, ever the rotten egg.
Rick Perry came and he gave without taking. But you pushed him away. Oh, Mandy.
When Rick Perry was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Lesson learned. Never slap Rick Perry.
Aliens DO exist. It's just that they know better than to visit a planet Rick Perry inhabits.
Rick Perry lives vicariously through himself.
Rick Perry once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now referred to simply as "the islands"
When Rick Perry opens a pack of Twix, there are three.
As a boy, Rick Perry interrogated his parents on Easter until they revealed the precise location and contents of each hidden egg.
Rick Perry has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Rick Perry really likes the movie 101 Dalmatians. No one knows why.
Some kids urinate their names in the snow. Rick Perry can urinate his name into concrete. He just chooses not to.
Rick Perry does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Rick Perry did all the make-up on the Planet of the Apes movies.
Rick Perry understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Rick Perry ghostwrites all the articles for Garden & Gun magazine
Rick Perry was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us who have to fight for it
Rick Perry impaled over 40 horses to make what he calls "an authentic" Merry-Go-Round.
Rick Perry's blood type is WD-40
Rick Perry can peel potatoes with his eyelids.
Rick Perry shoots dangerous wild animals on his jogs.
On his birthday, Rick Perry randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Rick Perry just saved a kitten from a tree while Jon Huntsman was talking
Time slows down whenever Rick Perry speaks
AT&T does not drop Rick Perry's Cell Calls
Perry's car once ran out of gas. After pistol whipping it for 10 min it started back up. He's never had to fill it up since
Rick Perry gargles with a mixture of turpentine, coffee, and crude oil.
Redneck Defined
southchild.com
Ma and Pa Redneck Joke
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out- "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says,"Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
How A Redneck Saves someone from Choking
If Ever You're Choking...
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."
The Redneck and the Lawyer Joke
This one combines TWO favorites
A New York lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an older man asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The New York attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His next too kicks caused the lawyer so much pain that he just about gave up. However, the New York lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
A New York lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an older man asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The New York attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His next too kicks caused the lawyer so much pain that he just about gave up. However, the New York lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
7 Best Redneck Jokes --wll today anyway+
7 best redneck jokes today
Jeff Foxworthy would be proud
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ?
It seems they want to keep alcohol
out of the high schools.
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D. ?" . .
and the driver replies "Bout wut ?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? . .
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
A new Redneck law was just recently passed in West Virginia
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
Did you hear that the Redneck
governor's mansion burned down?
"Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss too.
Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor
hadn't even finished coloring one of them."
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate
to his beloved widow
but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
The "Redneck word of the Day" is TEXAS
"I hate it when my girlfriend Texas me when I am in bed with my wife"
Jeff Foxworthy would be proud
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ?
It seems they want to keep alcohol
out of the high schools.
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D. ?" . .
and the driver replies "Bout wut ?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? . .
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
A new Redneck law was just recently passed in West Virginia
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
Did you hear that the Redneck
governor's mansion burned down?
"Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss too.
Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor
hadn't even finished coloring one of them."
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate
to his beloved widow
but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
The "Redneck word of the Day" is TEXAS
"I hate it when my girlfriend Texas me when I am in bed with my wife"
Redneck Hotel
How do you know when you're staying
in a Redneck hotel ?
When you call the front desk and say,
I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies, Go ahead.
in a Redneck hotel ?
When you call the front desk and say,
I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies, Go ahead.
Redneck Beer Cooler
Washing Machine as Redneck Beer Cooler PictureRednecks are not always the most creative unless it comes to the realllly IMPORTANT things in life ...like finding a way to keep Budweiser, Blue Ribbon, or Miller High Life COLD. Yes, a redneck can find more than one way to cool a beer
The Wisdom Of Larry The Cable Guy
I give you for Christmas the wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy. The girl from the wet Tshirt contest that got first and third place cause one boob was bigger than the other ... it was his sister.
Cindy Crawfords beauty mark is revealed to be a tick.
Petsmarts dog water purifying machine .. cmon ..they eat turds ...like wiping before you poop it don't make sense for petes sake.
Victorias secret ..a grown fellers chucky cheese. Got underbritches with holes in their crotch ...got a whole drawer of them in my house.
The story of the Midget Stripper and edible panties (strawberry).
The remote control is in an anal area.
He can tell how old you are by playing with your big ol boobies .
Larry is suing Hustler Magazine for giving him carpal tunnel.
Nascar new driver in the Kotex Car.
Git 'r Done
Twas The Redneck Night Before Christmas
Twas The Night Before Christmas
A Red Neck Christmas
One of the TEN Nights Before Christmas at YoooHaaa.com
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin' 'cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin' on 10 Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls so they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls, no need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack that hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns they grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns, "now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting and needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.
They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared he could not say a word.
This was just like all of The stories he'd heard.
It was Santy Claus on the roof, darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know they was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, "don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin' and a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Down, Spot! shut up Bullet! quiet, Roscoe and Enos!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!"
"Git down from that porch! git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin' and wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, but left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped he just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh, told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, but Bubba didn't care.
He was busy lookin' at all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, and he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw, make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her could-a hurt just a might."
But Maw was OK, and the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer it looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, he liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas, and the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish a Yee Haw Merry Christmas to you!!!
A Red Neck Christmas
One of the TEN Nights Before Christmas at YoooHaaa.com
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin' 'cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin' on 10 Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls so they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls, no need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack that hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns they grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns, "now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting and needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.
They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba, "Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared he could not say a word.
This was just like all of The stories he'd heard.
It was Santy Claus on the roof, darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know they was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, "don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus And he's brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin' and a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Down, Spot! shut up Bullet! quiet, Roscoe and Enos!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!"
"Git down from that porch! git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin' and wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, but left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped he just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh, told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, but Bubba didn't care.
He was busy lookin' at all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, and he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw, make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her could-a hurt just a might."
But Maw was OK, and the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer it looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, he liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas, and the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish a Yee Haw Merry Christmas to you!!!
Designated Redneck Driver
Designated drunkard
Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk, they get drunk and ride with them.
Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk, they get drunk and ride with them.
You Might Be A Redneck ...LONG list
latest best long list of you might be a redneck jokes ..with thanks to Jeff Foxworthy and many others, and my friend who emailed this list and asked me to post.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You go to your family reunion to meet women.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.
Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.
You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You go to your family reunion to meet women.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.
Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.
You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
larry the cable guy says .....
"I seen the other day that Barbara Streisand was pissed she didn't win an Academy Award for something. I can't stand that witch. I bet however that if she took her bra off she could win a sag award!!!"
larry the cable guy
larry the cable guy
War In Iraq Will End Soon Thanks TO Rednecks
Special Bulletin from the Pentagon
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday
War In Iraq Will End Soon Thanks TO Rednecks
Special Bulletin from the Pentagon
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday
Why Rednecks Rule
Dinner can always be found on the side of the road.
Their belt buckles are considered valid I.D.!
With a little corn and water they can distill enough moonshine to quench any dry town!
They can spit with absolute accuracy.
Nothing compares to the luxury and freedom of a mobile home.
Bluejeans and a flannel are always considered formal.
At least that rusty Pick-up's bought and paid for.
A mayonnaise jar doubles as a handy thermos.
A baseball cap is considered a fine substitute for combing your hair.
Tractor pulls and auto races serve as a fine meeting place for family reunions
Their belt buckles are considered valid I.D.!
With a little corn and water they can distill enough moonshine to quench any dry town!
They can spit with absolute accuracy.
Nothing compares to the luxury and freedom of a mobile home.
Bluejeans and a flannel are always considered formal.
At least that rusty Pick-up's bought and paid for.
A mayonnaise jar doubles as a handy thermos.
A baseball cap is considered a fine substitute for combing your hair.
Tractor pulls and auto races serve as a fine meeting place for family reunions
South Carolina Redneck Bumper Sticker
Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk, they get drunk and ride with them.
Bad Boys Bad Boys ...Police Chatter
These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car
videos around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the
one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because
that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that
means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the
shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to
do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn
dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets
a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a
personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post
your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."
videos around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the
one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because
that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that
means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the
shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to
do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn
dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets
a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a
personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post
your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."
Golf Joke That is Funny
Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a G- spot?
A: A man will spend 30 minutes looking for a golf ball!
A: A man will spend 30 minutes looking for a golf ball!
Blonde Jokes a plenty
Somebody emailed me these ...mostly great ..good list
1. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
2. Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have?
A: The one that never misses a period.
3. Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Thanks, guys!".
4.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and The Titanic?
A: They know how many men went down on The Titanic.
5. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There's fewer crabs in the Atlantic.
6. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Duke only 'had' Ten Thousand men.
7. Q: How does a horny guy spell relief?
A: B-L-O-N-D-E.
9. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
10. Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: Both contain a cockpit
12. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a blow-up Doll?
A: Around 2 cans of hair spray.
13. Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way.
14. Q: Why is a blonde like railway tracks?
A: Cos she's been laid all over the country.
16. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been playing with your Computer?
A: Your joy stick will be soaking wet.
17. Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
A: Cos both are steamy and wet on entry, and hey, they don't mind if you bring friends.
18.Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.
19. Q: What's the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking.
21. Q: How would a blond interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
23. Q: What's a blondes favorite Nursery Rhyme?
A: HumpMe DumpMe.
25. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Cuz everyone gets a turn.
28. Q: In a Blonde's mind what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
29. Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a Coppers Horse?
A: So she won't sh*t on the street during a rally.
33. Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
34. Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde lesbian?
A: Well, she kept having affairs with men.
35. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
37. Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
38. Q: When visiting Scotland, what is a Blonde's favorite destination?
A: Silicon Glen
39. Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
40. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
41. Q: What would a blonde use for protection during sex?
A: A bus shelter.
43. Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
44. Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
45. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
46. Q: Why does a blond have T.G.I.F. on the front of her shirt?
A: Tits Go In Front.
47. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.
48. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
51. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
52. Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers.
53. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!
54. Q: What do a 250cc Scooter and a blonde have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one
55. Q: What's the difference between a blonde on her back and a turtle on it's back?
A: Absolutely Nothing - both are totally screwed!
58. Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.
60. Q: What do a blonde and an instant win lottery ticket have in common?
A: Simply scratch the box to win.
61. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
62. It's important to realise that Blondes can't go water-skiing - when their crotch gets wet they think they gotta lay down...
63. It's even more important to realise the big difference between blondes and bitches - a blonde will screw anyone, whilst a bitch will screw anyone but you...
64. It's worth remembering why blondes can't count to 70 - it's cos 69 is already a bit of a mouthful...
65. Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PHd in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.
66. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Well, not everybody's went to town in a limo!
67. Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus
68. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
69. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had 2 chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times.
70. Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right?
A: As if they've ever met!
71. Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
72. Q: What do blonde's do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
73. Q: What do blonde's do with their Assholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
74. Q: What's the link between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: Both get screwed on the front of a Ford Fiesta.
6. Q: What nickname is most used by blonde's in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.
77. Q: What is blonde, brunette, blond, brunette ...?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.
78. Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your refridgerator?
A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers/courgette/zuchini.
79. Q: What's a 68 to a blonde?
A: It's where she goes down on you and you owe her one.
80. Q: What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
A: Clitty litter.
81. Q: Why is it that Blonde's always get confused in the Ladies rest room?
A: Well, it's cost they gotta pull their own pants down...
82. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Because their balls would show.
83. Q: What do you call a blonde with an I.Q of 100?
A: A foursome.
85. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: There's a fold-up bed in the Stock room and permanent smiles on the Bosses' faces.
86. Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.
89. Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
90. Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.
91. Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
A: Her employer found that she was embezzling.
92. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
94. Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handlebars.
95. Q: What did the blonde say during a xxx flick?
A: "Hey fellas, Look! There I am!"
96. Q: How does a blond prepare for safe sex?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.
98. Q: What does XXX stand for?
A: Blondes co-signing a note.
99. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Finland, turn around and come back home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a tv set.
100. Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three of your fingers inside a bowling ball.
101. Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.
1. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
2. Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have?
A: The one that never misses a period.
3. Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Thanks, guys!".
4.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and The Titanic?
A: They know how many men went down on The Titanic.
5. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There's fewer crabs in the Atlantic.
6. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Duke only 'had' Ten Thousand men.
7. Q: How does a horny guy spell relief?
A: B-L-O-N-D-E.
9. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
10. Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: Both contain a cockpit
12. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a blow-up Doll?
A: Around 2 cans of hair spray.
13. Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way.
14. Q: Why is a blonde like railway tracks?
A: Cos she's been laid all over the country.
16. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been playing with your Computer?
A: Your joy stick will be soaking wet.
17. Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
A: Cos both are steamy and wet on entry, and hey, they don't mind if you bring friends.
18.Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.
19. Q: What's the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking.
21. Q: How would a blond interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
23. Q: What's a blondes favorite Nursery Rhyme?
A: HumpMe DumpMe.
25. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Cuz everyone gets a turn.
28. Q: In a Blonde's mind what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
29. Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a Coppers Horse?
A: So she won't sh*t on the street during a rally.
33. Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
34. Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde lesbian?
A: Well, she kept having affairs with men.
35. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
37. Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
38. Q: When visiting Scotland, what is a Blonde's favorite destination?
A: Silicon Glen
39. Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
40. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
41. Q: What would a blonde use for protection during sex?
A: A bus shelter.
43. Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
44. Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
45. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
46. Q: Why does a blond have T.G.I.F. on the front of her shirt?
A: Tits Go In Front.
47. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.
48. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
51. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
52. Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers.
53. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!
54. Q: What do a 250cc Scooter and a blonde have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one
55. Q: What's the difference between a blonde on her back and a turtle on it's back?
A: Absolutely Nothing - both are totally screwed!
58. Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.
60. Q: What do a blonde and an instant win lottery ticket have in common?
A: Simply scratch the box to win.
61. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
62. It's important to realise that Blondes can't go water-skiing - when their crotch gets wet they think they gotta lay down...
63. It's even more important to realise the big difference between blondes and bitches - a blonde will screw anyone, whilst a bitch will screw anyone but you...
64. It's worth remembering why blondes can't count to 70 - it's cos 69 is already a bit of a mouthful...
65. Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PHd in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.
66. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Well, not everybody's went to town in a limo!
67. Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus
68. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
69. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had 2 chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times.
70. Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right?
A: As if they've ever met!
71. Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
72. Q: What do blonde's do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
73. Q: What do blonde's do with their Assholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
74. Q: What's the link between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: Both get screwed on the front of a Ford Fiesta.
6. Q: What nickname is most used by blonde's in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.
77. Q: What is blonde, brunette, blond, brunette ...?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.
78. Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your refridgerator?
A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers/courgette/zuchini.
79. Q: What's a 68 to a blonde?
A: It's where she goes down on you and you owe her one.
80. Q: What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
A: Clitty litter.
81. Q: Why is it that Blonde's always get confused in the Ladies rest room?
A: Well, it's cost they gotta pull their own pants down...
82. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Because their balls would show.
83. Q: What do you call a blonde with an I.Q of 100?
A: A foursome.
85. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: There's a fold-up bed in the Stock room and permanent smiles on the Bosses' faces.
86. Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.
89. Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
90. Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.
91. Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
A: Her employer found that she was embezzling.
92. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
94. Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handlebars.
95. Q: What did the blonde say during a xxx flick?
A: "Hey fellas, Look! There I am!"
96. Q: How does a blond prepare for safe sex?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.
98. Q: What does XXX stand for?
A: Blondes co-signing a note.
99. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Finland, turn around and come back home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a tv set.
100. Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three of your fingers inside a bowling ball.
101. Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.
Global Warming or Global Disaster ?
Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Global Warming or Global Disaster ?
Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Global Warming or Global Disaster ?
Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Valentines Day Joke For Blonde Redneck Women Getting Flowers For Valentines Day
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh darn, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legsin the air."
The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"
The blonde says: ........"Don't you have a vase?"
The Old Burma Shave Signs
Somebody emailed me the old slogans from Burma Shave
For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick
lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before there were
interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs
would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.
They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs,
about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line
couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular
shaving cream.
Here are more of the actual signs:
DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
BURMA SHAVE
TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED
NEXT IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave
AT EASE SHE SAID
MANEUVERS BEGIN
WHEN YOU GET THOSE
WHISKERS OFF YOUR CHIN!!
Burma Shave
For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick
lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before there were
interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs
would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.
They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs,
about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line
couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular
shaving cream.
Here are more of the actual signs:
DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
BURMA SHAVE
TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED
NEXT IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave
AT EASE SHE SAID
MANEUVERS BEGIN
WHEN YOU GET THOSE
WHISKERS OFF YOUR CHIN!!
Burma Shave
Ponderisms
PONDERISMS
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy
a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see 'em tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he doesn't like it,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Remember.....if you can't be a good example, then you'll be a
horrible warning.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy
a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see 'em tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he doesn't like it,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Remember.....if you can't be a good example, then you'll be a
horrible warning.
Not Exactly Hee Haw Quality..but close
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon!"
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon!"
20 ways to see if a redneck has been at your job
1. The mouse is referred to as a, "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. There is a gunrack mounted on the case.
5. The password is, "bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. The ergonomic chair is replaced with the bucket seat from an old "muscle" car.
8. Windows 98 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
9. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
10. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
11. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
12. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
13. Jeff Foxworthy wave files.
14. The monitor is up on blocks.
15. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
16. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
17. The screen saver is pictures of Ned Beatty, "Dueling Banjos" playing in the background.
18. The six front keys have rotted out.
19. John Deer Pocket Protectors.
If you figured out there are only "19" instead of "20", then you're probably not a red-neck.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. There is a gunrack mounted on the case.
5. The password is, "bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. The ergonomic chair is replaced with the bucket seat from an old "muscle" car.
8. Windows 98 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
9. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
10. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
11. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
12. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
13. Jeff Foxworthy wave files.
14. The monitor is up on blocks.
15. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
16. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
17. The screen saver is pictures of Ned Beatty, "Dueling Banjos" playing in the background.
18. The six front keys have rotted out.
19. John Deer Pocket Protectors.
If you figured out there are only "19" instead of "20", then you're probably not a red-neck.
Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Another time I looked up my family tree and two dogs were using it.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West!
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm!
Another time I looked up my family tree and two dogs were using it.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West!
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm!
Rednecks Rock because
Dinner can always be found on the side of the road.
Their belt buckles are considered valid I.D.!
With a little corn and water they can distill enough moonshine to quench any dry town!
They can spit with absolute accuracy.
Nothing compares to the luxury and freedom of a mobile home.
Bluejeans and a flannel are always considered formal. '
At least that rusty Pick-up's bought and paid for.
A mayonnaise jar doubles as a handy thermos.
A baseball cap is considered a fine substitute for combing your hair.
Tractor pulls and auto races serve as a fine meeting place for family reunions
Submitted by bootsie
Their belt buckles are considered valid I.D.!
With a little corn and water they can distill enough moonshine to quench any dry town!
They can spit with absolute accuracy.
Nothing compares to the luxury and freedom of a mobile home.
Bluejeans and a flannel are always considered formal. '
At least that rusty Pick-up's bought and paid for.
A mayonnaise jar doubles as a handy thermos.
A baseball cap is considered a fine substitute for combing your hair.
Tractor pulls and auto races serve as a fine meeting place for family reunions
Submitted by bootsie
It is So Hot ( How Hot Is It ) Joke
It was so hot in Virginia, Cavaliers fans took the bags off their heads.
A redneck sex question for the guys
Why Is A 25 Year Old Homosexual Male Like A 90 YearOld Heterosexual Redneck Male?
For Each One, Sex Is Behind Him.
For Each One, Sex Is Behind Him.
Driving Test
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine
traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine
traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
Redneck Truck Truth - yep..the old Ford (or Chevy )
Ranching Out
A big Texas rancher and a little Missouri farmer had a conversation.
The Texas rancher said, "I can get into my truck, drive it all day and not ever get off of my ranch!"
"Yeah," replied the little Missouri farmer, "I had a truck like that one time."
A big Texas rancher and a little Missouri farmer had a conversation.
The Texas rancher said, "I can get into my truck, drive it all day and not ever get off of my ranch!"
"Yeah," replied the little Missouri farmer, "I had a truck like that one time."
Beat The HEAT Redneck Style
1-Put a bag of frozen peas down your pants.
2-Attend an Adam Sandler movie and since nobody will be there, you can have the AC all to yourself .
3- Stick a couple of Budweisers in your overalls.
4-Dress up like a polar bear and tell a treehugger to call the ACLU to lobby for a new AC.
5-Beat the heat in a brisk circular motion using a wire whisk.
Remember, no lumps!
2-Attend an Adam Sandler movie and since nobody will be there, you can have the AC all to yourself .
3- Stick a couple of Budweisers in your overalls.
4-Dress up like a polar bear and tell a treehugger to call the ACLU to lobby for a new AC.
5-Beat the heat in a brisk circular motion using a wire whisk.
Remember, no lumps!
redneck funny quiz
We’re sick ‘n’ tarred of hear’n about how dumb people are in the South, so we challenge you so-called "smart" Yankee's to take this exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane ( B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet! and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 4 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?I betcha thought that this here test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya?
It's okay if''n ya'll didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya: There's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane ( B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet! and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 4 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?I betcha thought that this here test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya?
It's okay if''n ya'll didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya: There's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.
republican and democratic hillary clinton bumper sticker
Finally, a new bumper sticker for BOTH political parties.
This hottest selling political bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"RUN HILARY RUN'
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
This hottest selling political bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"RUN HILARY RUN'
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
Ridin With Jesus
Betty: My mother said she's never riding in the car with my father again. She says he can't see or hear well enough to drive.
Sue: Oh, my! Really?
Betty: Yep! She said that when he drives, the little Jesus statue crawls off the dash and hides in the glove compartment.
Sue: Oh, my! Really?
Betty: Yep! She said that when he drives, the little Jesus statue crawls off the dash and hides in the glove compartment.
Redneck Iraq Solution
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas and Virginia boys will be dropped off in Iraq
and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas and Virginia boys will be dropped off in Iraq
and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
In A Deep South Bar
In a deep south honky tonk bar there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
West Virginia DUI
Only a West Virginian could think of this ... from the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ripley, West Virginia. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
" I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Redneck Jokes : Valentines, Redneck Style
Valentines, Redneck Style
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.
Now Whats That Again ?
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft . . .
Today, it's called golf
Southern Comments
Southern Comments
Exclamations:"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
Threats:"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!
"Good Things/Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits.
"The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
Exclamations:"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
Threats:"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!
"Good Things/Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits.
"The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
Redneck Oil Change
Or as we in the south say it "awwl change"
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.3. Open a beer and drink it.4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.7. Place drain pan under engine.8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.9. Give up and use crescent wrench.10. Unscrew drain plug.11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.12. Clean up.13. Have another beer while oil is draining.14. Look for oil filter wrench.15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.16. Beer.17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.24. Remember drain plug from step 11.25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.29. Begin cussing fit.30. Throw wrench.31. Cuss and complain.32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.33. Beer.34. Beer.35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.36. Beer.37. Lower car from jack stands38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.40. Test drive car41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.42. Car gets impounded.43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.Money Spent:$50 parts$12 beer$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!$1000 Bail$200 Impound and towing feeTotal: $1337
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.3. Open a beer and drink it.4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.7. Place drain pan under engine.8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.9. Give up and use crescent wrench.10. Unscrew drain plug.11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.12. Clean up.13. Have another beer while oil is draining.14. Look for oil filter wrench.15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.16. Beer.17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.24. Remember drain plug from step 11.25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.29. Begin cussing fit.30. Throw wrench.31. Cuss and complain.32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.33. Beer.34. Beer.35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.36. Beer.37. Lower car from jack stands38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.40. Test drive car41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.42. Car gets impounded.43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.Money Spent:$50 parts$12 beer$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!$1000 Bail$200 Impound and towing feeTotal: $1337
Redneck Last Words
Question: What are the last words of a redneck?
Answer: "Hey y'all check this out!"
Answer: "Hey y'all check this out!"
yeah buddy
Question: What do you call the sight of a plumber under the sink with his pants creeping down, exposing his crack?
Answer: Redneck Cleavage.
Answer: Redneck Cleavage.
Redneck Classic Funny Image
Always Earnhardt. A Redneck Classic. Maybe The Funniest Thing In This Genre
Rednecks Don't Need Glass Repair
Somewhere in Florida, A Glass Repair Technician Is Out Of Work due to Funny Duct Tape Job
Redneck Bathing Suit Beauty Contest Winner
And The Winner is ? Miss Georgia, Alabama, South Carolina ?? Would you believe West Virginia ?
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