Showing posts with label redneck jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label redneck jokes. Show all posts
You Might Be A Nascar Redneck if . . .
...You think the last words to
The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
The Rick Perry Fact File
Fact: Rick Perry's tears cure cancer. Unfortunately, he's never cried.
Rick Perry's cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him.
Rick Perry's organ donation card, also lists his hair.
4 out of 5 doctors recommend Rick Perry. Also, in totally unrelated news, 20% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Rick Perry heads outside and brands his cattle.
Rick Perry has never lost a sock. Ever.
There is no "Control" button on Rick Perry's computer. Rick Perry is always in control.
When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Rick Perry is never, ever the rotten egg.
Rick Perry came and he gave without taking. But you pushed him away. Oh, Mandy.
When Rick Perry was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Lesson learned. Never slap Rick Perry.
Aliens DO exist. It's just that they know better than to visit a planet Rick Perry inhabits.
Rick Perry lives vicariously through himself.
Rick Perry once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now referred to simply as "the islands"
When Rick Perry opens a pack of Twix, there are three.
As a boy, Rick Perry interrogated his parents on Easter until they revealed the precise location and contents of each hidden egg.
Rick Perry has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Rick Perry really likes the movie 101 Dalmatians. No one knows why.
Some kids urinate their names in the snow. Rick Perry can urinate his name into concrete. He just chooses not to.
Rick Perry does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Rick Perry did all the make-up on the Planet of the Apes movies.
Rick Perry understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Rick Perry ghostwrites all the articles for Garden & Gun magazine
Rick Perry was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us who have to fight for it
Rick Perry impaled over 40 horses to make what he calls "an authentic" Merry-Go-Round.
Rick Perry's blood type is WD-40
Rick Perry can peel potatoes with his eyelids.
Rick Perry shoots dangerous wild animals on his jogs.
On his birthday, Rick Perry randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Rick Perry just saved a kitten from a tree while Jon Huntsman was talking
Time slows down whenever Rick Perry speaks
AT&T does not drop Rick Perry's Cell Calls
Perry's car once ran out of gas. After pistol whipping it for 10 min it started back up. He's never had to fill it up since
Rick Perry gargles with a mixture of turpentine, coffee, and crude oil.
How A Redneck Saves someone from Choking
If Ever You're Choking...
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."
The Redneck and the Lawyer Joke
This one combines TWO favorites
A New York lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an older man asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The New York attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His next too kicks caused the lawyer so much pain that he just about gave up. However, the New York lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
A New York lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an older man asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The New York attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His next too kicks caused the lawyer so much pain that he just about gave up. However, the New York lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
7 Best Redneck Jokes --wll today anyway+
7 best redneck jokes today
Jeff Foxworthy would be proud
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ?
It seems they want to keep alcohol
out of the high schools.
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D. ?" . .
and the driver replies "Bout wut ?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? . .
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
A new Redneck law was just recently passed in West Virginia
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
Did you hear that the Redneck
governor's mansion burned down?
"Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss too.
Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor
hadn't even finished coloring one of them."
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate
to his beloved widow
but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
The "Redneck word of the Day" is TEXAS
"I hate it when my girlfriend Texas me when I am in bed with my wife"
Jeff Foxworthy would be proud
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ?
It seems they want to keep alcohol
out of the high schools.
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D. ?" . .
and the driver replies "Bout wut ?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? . .
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
A new Redneck law was just recently passed in West Virginia
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
Did you hear that the Redneck
governor's mansion burned down?
"Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss too.
Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor
hadn't even finished coloring one of them."
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate
to his beloved widow
but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
The "Redneck word of the Day" is TEXAS
"I hate it when my girlfriend Texas me when I am in bed with my wife"
Redneck Hotel
How do you know when you're staying
in a Redneck hotel ?
When you call the front desk and say,
I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies, Go ahead.
in a Redneck hotel ?
When you call the front desk and say,
I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies, Go ahead.
Redneck Beer Cooler
Washing Machine as Redneck Beer Cooler PictureRednecks are not always the most creative unless it comes to the realllly IMPORTANT things in life ...like finding a way to keep Budweiser, Blue Ribbon, or Miller High Life COLD. Yes, a redneck can find more than one way to cool a beer
Designated Redneck Driver
Designated drunkard
Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk, they get drunk and ride with them.
Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk, they get drunk and ride with them.
You Might Be A Redneck ...LONG list
latest best long list of you might be a redneck jokes ..with thanks to Jeff Foxworthy and many others, and my friend who emailed this list and asked me to post.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You go to your family reunion to meet women.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.
Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.
You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Don Perignon is a Mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You've ever used a weed eater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You go to your family reunion to meet women.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.
You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people".
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of taking the wheels off his doublewide.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.
Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.
You were taught to put your underwear on yellow in front, brown behind.
You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
larry the cable guy says .....
"I seen the other day that Barbara Streisand was pissed she didn't win an Academy Award for something. I can't stand that witch. I bet however that if she took her bra off she could win a sag award!!!"
larry the cable guy
larry the cable guy
War In Iraq Will End Soon Thanks TO Rednecks
Special Bulletin from the Pentagon
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday
Why Rednecks Rule
Dinner can always be found on the side of the road.
Their belt buckles are considered valid I.D.!
With a little corn and water they can distill enough moonshine to quench any dry town!
They can spit with absolute accuracy.
Nothing compares to the luxury and freedom of a mobile home.
Bluejeans and a flannel are always considered formal.
At least that rusty Pick-up's bought and paid for.
A mayonnaise jar doubles as a handy thermos.
A baseball cap is considered a fine substitute for combing your hair.
Tractor pulls and auto races serve as a fine meeting place for family reunions
Their belt buckles are considered valid I.D.!
With a little corn and water they can distill enough moonshine to quench any dry town!
They can spit with absolute accuracy.
Nothing compares to the luxury and freedom of a mobile home.
Bluejeans and a flannel are always considered formal.
At least that rusty Pick-up's bought and paid for.
A mayonnaise jar doubles as a handy thermos.
A baseball cap is considered a fine substitute for combing your hair.
Tractor pulls and auto races serve as a fine meeting place for family reunions
South Carolina Redneck Bumper Sticker
Rednecks don't let friends drive home drunk, they get drunk and ride with them.
Bad Boys Bad Boys ...Police Chatter
These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car
videos around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the
one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because
that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that
means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the
shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to
do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn
dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets
a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a
personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post
your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."
videos around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the
one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because
that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that
means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the
shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to
do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn
dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets
a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a
personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post
your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."
Golf Joke That is Funny
Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a G- spot?
A: A man will spend 30 minutes looking for a golf ball!
A: A man will spend 30 minutes looking for a golf ball!
Blonde Jokes a plenty
Somebody emailed me these ...mostly great ..good list
1. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
2. Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have?
A: The one that never misses a period.
3. Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Thanks, guys!".
4.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and The Titanic?
A: They know how many men went down on The Titanic.
5. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There's fewer crabs in the Atlantic.
6. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Duke only 'had' Ten Thousand men.
7. Q: How does a horny guy spell relief?
A: B-L-O-N-D-E.
9. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
10. Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: Both contain a cockpit
12. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a blow-up Doll?
A: Around 2 cans of hair spray.
13. Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way.
14. Q: Why is a blonde like railway tracks?
A: Cos she's been laid all over the country.
16. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been playing with your Computer?
A: Your joy stick will be soaking wet.
17. Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
A: Cos both are steamy and wet on entry, and hey, they don't mind if you bring friends.
18.Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.
19. Q: What's the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking.
21. Q: How would a blond interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
23. Q: What's a blondes favorite Nursery Rhyme?
A: HumpMe DumpMe.
25. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Cuz everyone gets a turn.
28. Q: In a Blonde's mind what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
29. Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a Coppers Horse?
A: So she won't sh*t on the street during a rally.
33. Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
34. Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde lesbian?
A: Well, she kept having affairs with men.
35. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
37. Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
38. Q: When visiting Scotland, what is a Blonde's favorite destination?
A: Silicon Glen
39. Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
40. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
41. Q: What would a blonde use for protection during sex?
A: A bus shelter.
43. Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
44. Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
45. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
46. Q: Why does a blond have T.G.I.F. on the front of her shirt?
A: Tits Go In Front.
47. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.
48. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
51. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
52. Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers.
53. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!
54. Q: What do a 250cc Scooter and a blonde have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one
55. Q: What's the difference between a blonde on her back and a turtle on it's back?
A: Absolutely Nothing - both are totally screwed!
58. Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.
60. Q: What do a blonde and an instant win lottery ticket have in common?
A: Simply scratch the box to win.
61. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
62. It's important to realise that Blondes can't go water-skiing - when their crotch gets wet they think they gotta lay down...
63. It's even more important to realise the big difference between blondes and bitches - a blonde will screw anyone, whilst a bitch will screw anyone but you...
64. It's worth remembering why blondes can't count to 70 - it's cos 69 is already a bit of a mouthful...
65. Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PHd in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.
66. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Well, not everybody's went to town in a limo!
67. Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus
68. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
69. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had 2 chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times.
70. Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right?
A: As if they've ever met!
71. Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
72. Q: What do blonde's do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
73. Q: What do blonde's do with their Assholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
74. Q: What's the link between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: Both get screwed on the front of a Ford Fiesta.
6. Q: What nickname is most used by blonde's in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.
77. Q: What is blonde, brunette, blond, brunette ...?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.
78. Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your refridgerator?
A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers/courgette/zuchini.
79. Q: What's a 68 to a blonde?
A: It's where she goes down on you and you owe her one.
80. Q: What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
A: Clitty litter.
81. Q: Why is it that Blonde's always get confused in the Ladies rest room?
A: Well, it's cost they gotta pull their own pants down...
82. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Because their balls would show.
83. Q: What do you call a blonde with an I.Q of 100?
A: A foursome.
85. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: There's a fold-up bed in the Stock room and permanent smiles on the Bosses' faces.
86. Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.
89. Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
90. Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.
91. Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
A: Her employer found that she was embezzling.
92. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
94. Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handlebars.
95. Q: What did the blonde say during a xxx flick?
A: "Hey fellas, Look! There I am!"
96. Q: How does a blond prepare for safe sex?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.
98. Q: What does XXX stand for?
A: Blondes co-signing a note.
99. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Finland, turn around and come back home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a tv set.
100. Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three of your fingers inside a bowling ball.
101. Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.
1. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
2. Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have?
A: The one that never misses a period.
3. Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Thanks, guys!".
4.Q: What's the difference between a blonde and The Titanic?
A: They know how many men went down on The Titanic.
5. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There's fewer crabs in the Atlantic.
6. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Duke only 'had' Ten Thousand men.
7. Q: How does a horny guy spell relief?
A: B-L-O-N-D-E.
9. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
10. Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: Both contain a cockpit
12. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a blow-up Doll?
A: Around 2 cans of hair spray.
13. Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way.
14. Q: Why is a blonde like railway tracks?
A: Cos she's been laid all over the country.
16. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been playing with your Computer?
A: Your joy stick will be soaking wet.
17. Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
A: Cos both are steamy and wet on entry, and hey, they don't mind if you bring friends.
18.Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.
19. Q: What's the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking.
21. Q: How would a blond interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
23. Q: What's a blondes favorite Nursery Rhyme?
A: HumpMe DumpMe.
25. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Cuz everyone gets a turn.
28. Q: In a Blonde's mind what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
29. Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a Coppers Horse?
A: So she won't sh*t on the street during a rally.
33. Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
34. Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde lesbian?
A: Well, she kept having affairs with men.
35. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
37. Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
38. Q: When visiting Scotland, what is a Blonde's favorite destination?
A: Silicon Glen
39. Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
40. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
41. Q: What would a blonde use for protection during sex?
A: A bus shelter.
43. Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
44. Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
45. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
46. Q: Why does a blond have T.G.I.F. on the front of her shirt?
A: Tits Go In Front.
47. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.
48. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
51. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
52. Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers.
53. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!
54. Q: What do a 250cc Scooter and a blonde have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one
55. Q: What's the difference between a blonde on her back and a turtle on it's back?
A: Absolutely Nothing - both are totally screwed!
58. Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.
60. Q: What do a blonde and an instant win lottery ticket have in common?
A: Simply scratch the box to win.
61. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
62. It's important to realise that Blondes can't go water-skiing - when their crotch gets wet they think they gotta lay down...
63. It's even more important to realise the big difference between blondes and bitches - a blonde will screw anyone, whilst a bitch will screw anyone but you...
64. It's worth remembering why blondes can't count to 70 - it's cos 69 is already a bit of a mouthful...
65. Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PHd in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.
66. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Well, not everybody's went to town in a limo!
67. Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus
68. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
69. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had 2 chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times.
70. Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right?
A: As if they've ever met!
71. Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
72. Q: What do blonde's do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
73. Q: What do blonde's do with their Assholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
74. Q: What's the link between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: Both get screwed on the front of a Ford Fiesta.
6. Q: What nickname is most used by blonde's in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.
77. Q: What is blonde, brunette, blond, brunette ...?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.
78. Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your refridgerator?
A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers/courgette/zuchini.
79. Q: What's a 68 to a blonde?
A: It's where she goes down on you and you owe her one.
80. Q: What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
A: Clitty litter.
81. Q: Why is it that Blonde's always get confused in the Ladies rest room?
A: Well, it's cost they gotta pull their own pants down...
82. Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Because their balls would show.
83. Q: What do you call a blonde with an I.Q of 100?
A: A foursome.
85. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: There's a fold-up bed in the Stock room and permanent smiles on the Bosses' faces.
86. Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.
89. Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
90. Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.
91. Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
A: Her employer found that she was embezzling.
92. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
94. Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handlebars.
95. Q: What did the blonde say during a xxx flick?
A: "Hey fellas, Look! There I am!"
96. Q: How does a blond prepare for safe sex?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.
98. Q: What does XXX stand for?
A: Blondes co-signing a note.
99. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Finland, turn around and come back home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a tv set.
100. Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three of your fingers inside a bowling ball.
101. Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)