Redneck Jokes Humor: January 2006

Redneck Jokes : Valentines, Redneck Style

Valentines, Redneck Style

Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.

You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.

And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.

Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.

Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.

Now Whats That Again ?

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft . . .
Today, it's called golf

Cooling Off In Georgia

redneck swimming pool

Southern Comments

Southern Comments
Exclamations:"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
Threats:"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!
"Good Things/Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits.
"The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

Redneck Oil Change

Or as we in the south say it "awwl change"
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.3. Open a beer and drink it.4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.7. Place drain pan under engine.8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.9. Give up and use crescent wrench.10. Unscrew drain plug.11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.12. Clean up.13. Have another beer while oil is draining.14. Look for oil filter wrench.15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.16. Beer.17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.24. Remember drain plug from step 11.25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.29. Begin cussing fit.30. Throw wrench.31. Cuss and complain.32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.33. Beer.34. Beer.35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.36. Beer.37. Lower car from jack stands38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.40. Test drive car41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.42. Car gets impounded.43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.Money Spent:$50 parts$12 beer$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!$1000 Bail$200 Impound and towing feeTotal: $1337