The Rick Perry Fact File
Fact: Rick Perry's tears cure cancer. Unfortunately, he's never cried.
Rick Perry's cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him.
Rick Perry's organ donation card, also lists his hair.
4 out of 5 doctors recommend Rick Perry. Also, in totally unrelated news, 20% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Rick Perry heads outside and brands his cattle.
Rick Perry has never lost a sock. Ever.
There is no "Control" button on Rick Perry's computer. Rick Perry is always in control.
When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Rick Perry is never, ever the rotten egg.
Rick Perry came and he gave without taking. But you pushed him away. Oh, Mandy.
When Rick Perry was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Lesson learned. Never slap Rick Perry.
Aliens DO exist. It's just that they know better than to visit a planet Rick Perry inhabits.
Rick Perry lives vicariously through himself.
Rick Perry once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now referred to simply as "the islands"
When Rick Perry opens a pack of Twix, there are three.
As a boy, Rick Perry interrogated his parents on Easter until they revealed the precise location and contents of each hidden egg.
Rick Perry has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Rick Perry really likes the movie 101 Dalmatians. No one knows why.
Some kids urinate their names in the snow. Rick Perry can urinate his name into concrete. He just chooses not to.
Rick Perry does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
Rick Perry did all the make-up on the Planet of the Apes movies.
Rick Perry understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
Rick Perry ghostwrites all the articles for Garden & Gun magazine
Rick Perry was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us who have to fight for it
Rick Perry impaled over 40 horses to make what he calls "an authentic" Merry-Go-Round.
Rick Perry's blood type is WD-40
Rick Perry can peel potatoes with his eyelids.
Rick Perry shoots dangerous wild animals on his jogs.
On his birthday, Rick Perry randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Rick Perry just saved a kitten from a tree while Jon Huntsman was talking
Time slows down whenever Rick Perry speaks
AT&T does not drop Rick Perry's Cell Calls
Perry's car once ran out of gas. After pistol whipping it for 10 min it started back up. He's never had to fill it up since
Rick Perry gargles with a mixture of turpentine, coffee, and crude oil.