I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy
a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see 'em tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he doesn't like it,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Remember.....if you can't be a good example, then you'll be a
horrible warning.

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