PONDERISMS
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy
a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see 'em tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he doesn't like it,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Remember.....if you can't be a good example, then you'll be a
horrible warning.
Not Exactly Hee Haw Quality..but close
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon!"
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon!"
20 ways to see if a redneck has been at your job
1. The mouse is referred to as a, "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. There is a gunrack mounted on the case.
5. The password is, "bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. The ergonomic chair is replaced with the bucket seat from an old "muscle" car.
8. Windows 98 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
9. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
10. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
11. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
12. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
13. Jeff Foxworthy wave files.
14. The monitor is up on blocks.
15. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
16. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
17. The screen saver is pictures of Ned Beatty, "Dueling Banjos" playing in the background.
18. The six front keys have rotted out.
19. John Deer Pocket Protectors.
If you figured out there are only "19" instead of "20", then you're probably not a red-neck.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. There is a gunrack mounted on the case.
5. The password is, "bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. The ergonomic chair is replaced with the bucket seat from an old "muscle" car.
8. Windows 98 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
9. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
10. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
11. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
12. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
13. Jeff Foxworthy wave files.
14. The monitor is up on blocks.
15. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
16. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
17. The screen saver is pictures of Ned Beatty, "Dueling Banjos" playing in the background.
18. The six front keys have rotted out.
19. John Deer Pocket Protectors.
If you figured out there are only "19" instead of "20", then you're probably not a red-neck.
Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Another time I looked up my family tree and two dogs were using it.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West!
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm!
Another time I looked up my family tree and two dogs were using it.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West!
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm!
Rednecks Rock because
Dinner can always be found on the side of the road.
Their belt buckles are considered valid I.D.!
With a little corn and water they can distill enough moonshine to quench any dry town!
They can spit with absolute accuracy.
Nothing compares to the luxury and freedom of a mobile home.
Bluejeans and a flannel are always considered formal. '
At least that rusty Pick-up's bought and paid for.
A mayonnaise jar doubles as a handy thermos.
A baseball cap is considered a fine substitute for combing your hair.
Tractor pulls and auto races serve as a fine meeting place for family reunions
Submitted by bootsie
Their belt buckles are considered valid I.D.!
With a little corn and water they can distill enough moonshine to quench any dry town!
They can spit with absolute accuracy.
Nothing compares to the luxury and freedom of a mobile home.
Bluejeans and a flannel are always considered formal. '
At least that rusty Pick-up's bought and paid for.
A mayonnaise jar doubles as a handy thermos.
A baseball cap is considered a fine substitute for combing your hair.
Tractor pulls and auto races serve as a fine meeting place for family reunions
Submitted by bootsie
It is So Hot ( How Hot Is It ) Joke
It was so hot in Virginia, Cavaliers fans took the bags off their heads.
A redneck sex question for the guys
Why Is A 25 Year Old Homosexual Male Like A 90 YearOld Heterosexual Redneck Male?
For Each One, Sex Is Behind Him.
For Each One, Sex Is Behind Him.
Driving Test
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine
traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine
traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
Redneck Truck Truth - yep..the old Ford (or Chevy )
Ranching Out
A big Texas rancher and a little Missouri farmer had a conversation.
The Texas rancher said, "I can get into my truck, drive it all day and not ever get off of my ranch!"
"Yeah," replied the little Missouri farmer, "I had a truck like that one time."
A big Texas rancher and a little Missouri farmer had a conversation.
The Texas rancher said, "I can get into my truck, drive it all day and not ever get off of my ranch!"
"Yeah," replied the little Missouri farmer, "I had a truck like that one time."
Beat The HEAT Redneck Style
1-Put a bag of frozen peas down your pants.
2-Attend an Adam Sandler movie and since nobody will be there, you can have the AC all to yourself .
3- Stick a couple of Budweisers in your overalls.
4-Dress up like a polar bear and tell a treehugger to call the ACLU to lobby for a new AC.
5-Beat the heat in a brisk circular motion using a wire whisk.
Remember, no lumps!
2-Attend an Adam Sandler movie and since nobody will be there, you can have the AC all to yourself .
3- Stick a couple of Budweisers in your overalls.
4-Dress up like a polar bear and tell a treehugger to call the ACLU to lobby for a new AC.
5-Beat the heat in a brisk circular motion using a wire whisk.
Remember, no lumps!
redneck funny quiz
We’re sick ‘n’ tarred of hear’n about how dumb people are in the South, so we challenge you so-called "smart" Yankee's to take this exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane ( B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet! and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 4 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?I betcha thought that this here test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya?
It's okay if''n ya'll didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya: There's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane ( B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet! and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 4 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?I betcha thought that this here test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya?
It's okay if''n ya'll didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya: There's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.
republican and democratic hillary clinton bumper sticker
Finally, a new bumper sticker for BOTH political parties.
This hottest selling political bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"RUN HILARY RUN'
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
This hottest selling political bumper sticker comes from New York State:
"RUN HILARY RUN'
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
Ridin With Jesus
Betty: My mother said she's never riding in the car with my father again. She says he can't see or hear well enough to drive.
Sue: Oh, my! Really?
Betty: Yep! She said that when he drives, the little Jesus statue crawls off the dash and hides in the glove compartment.
Sue: Oh, my! Really?
Betty: Yep! She said that when he drives, the little Jesus statue crawls off the dash and hides in the glove compartment.
Redneck Iraq Solution
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas and Virginia boys will be dropped off in Iraq
and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri,
Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas and Virginia boys will be dropped off in Iraq
and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
In A Deep South Bar
In a deep south honky tonk bar there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
West Virginia DUI
Only a West Virginian could think of this ... from the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ripley, West Virginia. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
" I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Redneck Jokes : Valentines, Redneck Style
Valentines, Redneck Style
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.
Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.
And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.
Now Whats That Again ?
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
with sticks, it was called witchcraft . . .
Today, it's called golf
Southern Comments
Southern Comments
Exclamations:"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
Threats:"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!
"Good Things/Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits.
"The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
Exclamations:"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
Threats:"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!
"Good Things/Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits.
"The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
Redneck Oil Change
Or as we in the south say it "awwl change"
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.3. Open a beer and drink it.4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.7. Place drain pan under engine.8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.9. Give up and use crescent wrench.10. Unscrew drain plug.11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.12. Clean up.13. Have another beer while oil is draining.14. Look for oil filter wrench.15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.16. Beer.17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.24. Remember drain plug from step 11.25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.29. Begin cussing fit.30. Throw wrench.31. Cuss and complain.32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.33. Beer.34. Beer.35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.36. Beer.37. Lower car from jack stands38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.40. Test drive car41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.42. Car gets impounded.43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.Money Spent:$50 parts$12 beer$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!$1000 Bail$200 Impound and towing feeTotal: $1337
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.3. Open a beer and drink it.4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.7. Place drain pan under engine.8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.9. Give up and use crescent wrench.10. Unscrew drain plug.11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.12. Clean up.13. Have another beer while oil is draining.14. Look for oil filter wrench.15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.16. Beer.17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.24. Remember drain plug from step 11.25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.29. Begin cussing fit.30. Throw wrench.31. Cuss and complain.32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.33. Beer.34. Beer.35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.36. Beer.37. Lower car from jack stands38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.40. Test drive car41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.42. Car gets impounded.43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.Money Spent:$50 parts$12 beer$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!$1000 Bail$200 Impound and towing feeTotal: $1337
Redneck Last Words
Question: What are the last words of a redneck?
Answer: "Hey y'all check this out!"
Answer: "Hey y'all check this out!"
yeah buddy
Question: What do you call the sight of a plumber under the sink with his pants creeping down, exposing his crack?
Answer: Redneck Cleavage.
Answer: Redneck Cleavage.
Redneck Classic Funny Image
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Rednecks Don't Need Glass Repair
Somewhere in Florida, A Glass Repair Technician Is Out Of Work due to Funny Duct Tape Job
Redneck Bathing Suit Beauty Contest Winner
And The Winner is ? Miss Georgia, Alabama, South Carolina ?? Would you believe West Virginia ?
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